you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
