I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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