is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
