and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
