were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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