Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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