New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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