After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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