Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
