i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
