Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
