Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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