MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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