Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
