I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
