Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
