Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just found a bag of teeth...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
