her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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