Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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