nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
What a dumb baby whore.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize