I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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