Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
