My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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