Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
