gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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