u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
