If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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