i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
