please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
