I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
