after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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