i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
