My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
