Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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