My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
