dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize