Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
