i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
