are you so shy because you have an std?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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