do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
