he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
