Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
As shirtless as possible
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
