I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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