also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
