Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
