I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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