No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
