Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
