theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
