if you like me you must not know who I am
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
