I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
love makes seman taste better
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
