I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Do vagina's smell?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
