She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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