Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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