he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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