I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
