I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
