I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
