Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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