I wish I could teleport
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
