im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
