im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just pee around me
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
