Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
