Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
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