I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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