she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
